Regrets: Part One

So I am one of these people who tries to convince themselves that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. I want to believe that so badly and to some extent I do believe that, but some nights I cannot sleep because I am just filled with wonder. What if things had happened differently and I had made different choices...would that change my entire life? Good things happen, bad things happen, that is life. But over the past six years I feel like I have made my share of huge life altering mistakes. I have burned so many bridges in the name of protecting myself, that I have somehow ended up feeling filled with regret. If life is just this huge butterfly effect, then any one choice made differently would cause DIRE consequences, lol. However, if I did have the power to go back and do things again, I think I would. Not everything just the last conversations I had with two people who had been my friends the longest and when it came down to it, I wasn't strong enough to keep going. At one point I was so broken, lost, and sad, that I honestly did not have the strength to fight for the friendship. Some days I don't regret a single word, but then when I remember all the good times we had, I regret everything. If I could do that moment again, I wouldn't change my stance, but I would change the way I handled the situation. But, by the time that moment in time happened I was already so freaking depressed and that all it took was one more ounce of bad news to set me off into a panic stricken frenzy. It is nights, like tonight when I yearn for the advice from someone who has known me for over a decade, that I have the greatest regrets. This was the person who I called during some of the worst situations I had ever faced. This was the person whom I called FIRST, to pick me up from the scene of a frightening car accident, even before my parents. We grow up and move up and that is another part of life, but there is something warm about holding onto past memories. It has been made perfectly clear that this person will never speak to me again, and I can make my peace with that. She hates me and I can live with that, because the opposite of love is indifference and if she hates me, it means she still cares. At least that is what I tell myself when I miss having a best friend.

That is my first and biggest regret, because if I had a do-over, then I could have someone talk me through my second biggest regret. Right now I am sitting here beating myself up over something that happened eight months ago, with no way to fix it, or at the very least apologize. I tell myself that I am really good at letting go and moving on. I thought I was until I woke up one day with this song stuck in my head on repeat. A song that reminds me everyday of how complicated I make everything. A song that reminds me of how stubborn, stupid, and neurotic I can be. A song that reminds me of this person everyday and how I wish, in this digital age, that I could find him and apologize for being such a huge unforgiving bitch. Tomorrow I will psychoanalyze that regret, tonight I will go to bed, with that song in my head.