Scared

    So I have been doing well, at least to my standards. I have been able to control my anxiety and I have stability in my life. I am good and happy. At least I thought I was good, until the tiniest little cloud of doubt invaded my body. And now I am terrified that all of my work will be for nothing. That I will revert to the mess of a person I was before. That this is all going to go away and i am gonna be trapped again. I just want to keep moving forward, but the uncertainty fills me and I don't know what to do. Am I strong enough to get through or am I gonna fall back and fail. Am I even doing enough.
   I know everyone feels this way from time to time. I have noticed and heard that so many people have anxiety, and I am not alone. Now, obviously people have anxiety and I am not the only one, but before nobody talked about their anxiety. 9 years ago when my anxiety first set in I felt so isolated trying desperately to.  explain to people what I as going through. I was having panic attacks walking to class or driving home and it was incredibly frightening especially at 19.
  I have come so far from where I was all those years ago. I still have fears and I still have anxiety over the most random things, but for the most part I can overcome it. My biggest issue now is my fear of change. I am so accustomed to the life I have now, but I need a change. I need to push myself to do more and do better. I know I can, but I am so afraid.
  Should I settle for average because it is easy and comfortable or should I strive for more, risk failure and everything else that comes along with that. Really all I can do is try and see what happens.

No fear.

Okay so I haven't been taking anti anxiety medication regularly. I have also been alone, which is big for me because being alone was a big trigger for my anxiety. There were so many triggers and slowly I have managed to manage them. I even went to the dentist and I was  scared because I hate dentists. It all seems so small but to me it's so big. There is still more I need to accomplish but for now I think I am doing pretty good. Of course it could all go to shit at any minute but that's life. Anything can happen. Good, bad or in between and I am okay with that. Seriously I am okay with that. It is hard though, trying to find myself. I am just starting. I always feel like I am disappointing people, but they don't have to live my life I do, so  I can't let it stop me. I know it seems like I share so much here, but if you only knew. 

You are not me and I am not you. Your life experiences and the choices you made, they worked for you, but not for me. I didn't fail, I tried. 

There was a point about a year ago, even a few months ago where I was afraid of so many things. Everyday I am afraid of less and less. I can't be afraid. 

I am not afraid. I am ready. 

Challenge: No Pills!

So I am trying to make it through a day without taking anti-anxiety medication. I have done it before, but in the last several months I have become more dependent on it. I have gotten in the habit of taking one at the first sign of anxiety. Instead I need to learn how to cope and move past the anxiety. 

I think this is the hardest part. For the most part I have made modest changes, such as giving up caffeine, in order to hopefully have less anxiety. I can count the number of Dr. Pepper I have had in the past six months on one hand. If you know me that is an accomplishment because I was practically addicted. So caffeine makes my heart race which mimics an attack, so it's gone. 

Now I have to learn how to get through the day without taking a pill. Right now I have the urge to take a pill. Quick fix. Except when it isn't and I don't calm down immediately. Then what? It is almost 7pm, the day is almost over. 

Friday I managed to get through. Yesterday I was in a car out and about so I took a pill. One goal at a time. 

I hope it gets easier. I am willing to put the work in and push myself. This is about my life and my happiness. I won't give up. I can't. I refuse to be trapped. There is a whole world out there for me to explore. 

Back Again

So I am back in Dallas. Getting here was incredibly difficult. Metaphorically and literally. There was a time when I lived to sit in a car and just drive. Then came the time where being in a car scared the shit out of me. Now I am somewhere in the middle. Somedays I can do it, other days I freak out. Anxiety is a sneaky little bitch. So imagine me sitting in a Uhaul traveling across the state . Now if we lived in Rhode Island or Conn., that would be one thing, but we live in freakin Texas. So of course traveling from the border of Mexico to the border of Oklahoma then to the metroplex is a long drive. 20 min into the drive I had to stop for a good 30min and calm myself down. In that moment I just to turn around and go home. After that we got back on the road and after that there was no turning back just lots of stopping so I could regain my composure. A 10hr drive took over 15 hr split over 2 days. Like I said its a bitch. I can't tell you how but I made it. I have had a few moments of frustration over my anxiety. I really try to try. I have so many fears now that I didn't have a few years ago. It's gonna take patience on my part but,  I am will get my life back and not live in fear.  I need to do a couple thing. . . 1) Find a support group or resources that will help with my anxiety. 2) Make new friends in the area. I think the latter will be the most difficult.

Okay so it's not an exciting entry, but who cares its my story. Check back soon. 

Backwards, then Forward.

So I am 25. I waited and dreaded this day since the day after I turned 24, not for the obvious reasons. I don't hate getting older, I just don't like my birthday. Last year, I had a crazy, ridiculous, unforgettable birthday. So I dreaded this one, afraid it might turn out the same or worse.

This year  has been weird. Nothing horrible notable as in years past where bad things occurred, such as accidents, lifelong friendship wrecking arguments, or apartment fires, it was just a drag. It felt like there was no forward movement, just circling the same spot hoping for different results. I don't know what the next move is, but I am going to reflect on my 24th year.

I struggled with my anxiety, and it sucked so fucking bad. I am still struggling, but damn it would be such a lie if I said this year sucked. It did suck at times, but it was so awesome. I got married this year, to my best friend.  My niece was born and everyday I get to watch her change and grow. My sister got married. Our whole family dynamic changed. I hate not having a steady income and I hate living with my parents and kind of hate living in the Valley, but I don't know if I would trade any of it for missing out any of this year.

Some days I hated being here more than anything, I hated my anxiety, myself, everything. So why is it I don't regret it. Changes need to be made. I can't live here forever and I need some stability for my sanity, but on my 25th birthday spending it with my husband, my sister, and my niece was the best thing I could have asked for. For better or for worse this is my home, my family is my home.

Sometimes life sucks, bad things happen, jobs are lost, people get sick, and all you want to do is give up. Then you realize there are enough amazing, wonderful moments that make you realize why you can't give up.

I am going to keep trying. Life is far from perfect and I don't want perfect. I am going to try and hope things get better. I am going to learn to enjoy those amazing moments as they happen and not in retrospect.

No Place Like Home...

So you know now that I have always had this urge to move away from my hometown. Although I am still here I haven't been convinced that this is where I ultimately want to settle down. I don't even know when it started, but I never felt like I belonged. I thought this place was supposed to be a starting point, not the whole journey. Okay so I am only 24 going on 25, but it feels like forever.

At this moment in time I am glad to be here, I get to enjoy spending time with my family and my beautiful niece. I feel blessed because I get to watch her change on a daily basis and I know sometime next year her and my sister will move away and it makes me sad and grateful at the same time. Sad thinking about the future but grateful that we have this time together.

When I was younger though being here didn't feel like home. I rarely ever felt at home anywhere. I love my parents, but sometimes I would walk into a friends house and think, this feels like a home. When I was 15 we moved and then we just kept on moving around from house to house. In the past 10 years I have lived in 11 different homes or apartments.

No wonder I never felt at home anywhere. Part of me feels like as soon as I get comfortable I am just going to move again. The only real home I knew isn't my home anymore, the place where I spent ages 5 to 15. Even where I am now, I know it is only a matter of time till I move again, probably within the next four months. I joke that I am a pro at moving now, but man I really hate moving.

Growing up I never felt at ease anywhere, even now there are moments when I don't feel at ease. I have good parents who had good intentions, but too often I felt like I was walking on eggshells in my own home. Constantly  waiting for my dad to yell at me for doing something. I grew up thinking I could never do anything well enough. I was a good kid, but I had the sense he was just waiting for me to screw up. Once you get accused of something so many times eventually you ease into the role. I was tired of being accused of being a screw up so I just became a screw up...it only took 20 years.

I never felt at home at home so I spent years waiting to get out of here. Why am I still here?

Right Now

So right now I can't sleep. If I am lucky I will manage to be in bed around 2am. On the nights I am not so luck I am awake until about 5 or 6 in the morning. I wish things were better. I am not miserable or depressed even. I know what that feels like and I never want to go back there. I just wish I were happier. I would do anything to be happier. In this moment I feel like a huge disappointment and in other moments I feel like an utter failure. Unable to accomplish all that I set out to accomplish. I want more out of my life and I am willing to put more in so that I can get more out. Sometimes I wonder if God is listening to my prayers. The prayers for peace in my heart and purpose in my soul. I think I know what I am supposed to be doing, but then I get discouraged and uncertainty fills me.

After one really bad day, I had these horrible thoughts, and felt purposeless and empty. I felt like I had no reason to get out of bed in the morning. These anxiety attacks have a way of paralyzing me from the inside out and I hate it. I want control of my life back and I am desperate to find a way to achieve that.

Anyway during that particular night I had the most wonderful dream. One of my biggest wishes and fears is becoming a mom someday. I want more than anything to become a mother, but my anxiety makes it difficult to think it is a possibility.

So in this dream there was a young boy, not an infant, but a young boy about 2 years old and I went to pick him up to bring him home.I was his mom.  The one thing I want more than anything is to adopt a child who is in foster care. In my heart I believe there is a child, and although I did not bring him into this world I am meant to be his mother. I know it sounds crazy, but that is one of the few things in my life I am completely certain of, without a doubt.

When I woke up from that dream I felt this relief, happiness, and anticipation. One day once the rest of my life is figured out I will make that dream a reality. I will work hard to make the rest of it work, so I can to that moment.

So late at night in spite of the anxiety, bouts of occasional sadness, and general uncertainty I know I have a reason and a place in this world.

Right now I am thinking about someday.