Why?

I have so much to say, but most days I find it difficult to express what I am thinking or feeling. I think in life that will always be the greatest struggle saying what you mean and meaning what you say, at the exact moment you want to say it. We spend so much time waiting and waiting for the right moment and it never seems to come around. Then one day you are sitting around and suddenly it hits you, it is up to you to create that moment. Time won't stop for you, or me, it is just gonna keep on and we are gonna end up exactly where we never wanted to be. For me that is confused and more confused. For you that might be at a job you dislike, a city you hate, alone, or worse with someone you know is all wrong for you. Is that worse? What is the worst place to be? Some might say being alive is all that matters. You have your health and a loving family, then life is good. And most days it is good for some, but all it takes is one moment of wonder to cause you to reevaluate every decision you ever made.

I imagine that for most out there the scenario is less dire and they are perfectly content in their lives and most days the same is true for me. Unfortunately I have always been a deep thinker, one who questions everything to the point of neurosis. Like why is it two people cannot ever seem to want the same thing at the same time. Is that Divine intervention, fate, chance, or just stupidity on the part of both parties.Why can't life be simple?
Not every moment of every day, but every once in a while, can't it just be simple.

Simple would be telling someone you loved them and them loving you back and everything working out. Or having a good job without constantly worrying about job security, or living paycheck to paycheck. Life isn't perfect and I understand that, but some things in life SHOULD just be as simple as that.

I feel like a five year old with ten million questions always wanting to know why. Why? Why? Why?

Tell me anything and I will ask you why.

My suggestion to anyone reading this, get over yourself and your crap and just do it. Whatever it is, just do it. Life is hard, and complicated, and frustrating as hell, don't make it worse by holding on. Let it go. Stop waiting for that perfect time. Stop holding onto your ego, be real and honest and do it now. Who knows what might happen tomorrow. If you wait too long tomorrow you might be forced to ask yourself why.

I hope you enjoyed my random rant.

All In

 She was faced with the challenge of dealing with a past memory that she couldn't remember. Someone from their past came into play and it was like a marker in time. Their relationship was split in half, between what was and what happened next. She suddenly saw their relationship from a completely different point of view. When you are dealing with chaos and are in the midst of it, sometimes it feels like  you are drowning and struggling and you forget the important stuff. When you see it from the outside in, you see that you made it through, you survived all of the craziness. It was easy to want to get away from everything associated with the hard times, but she knew that they made it through together. During all the chaos, although they struggled and had disagreements, they never gave up. They had nothing binding them together, they weren't married, they didn't have children, yet they never truly walked away. The never gave up. She wasn't ready to give up. It was actually the complete opposite, she was ready to go all in. He asked her, but she wasn't sure before and now she was. She was ready.

Alone

She struggled for months unsure of what to do next. In her mind their relationship had no chance of reconciling. She wanted to be able to see everything else that life and love had to offer. She was so young when she met him, what if there was something better out there. She was still so young, there was no urgency in settling down with one man for the rest of her life. Was it possible to end their relationship and maintain a friendship without everything becoming complicated and messy.

No. Because life is not that easy.

She started to reevaluate her own life and determine what she wanted outside of  their relationship, outside of any relationship. She spent so much time identifying herself, by her relationships, including friendships. Who would she be without said person in her life. Now she needed to find out who she was without herself standing in her own way. She was her biggest obstacle, constantly second guessing and questioning her own decisions.

She has always been such a quiet person from a distance, not one to speak her mind immediately. Well she intended on changing that, making sure that people knew who she was and make an impression. She was tired of standing on the sidelines of her own life. She needed this time to get her life together, without outside influence. As much as life is about the larger picture, it is also about each and every day that passes.

At this point there were so many people that had passed through her life and made an impact in one way or another. She had to understand that her life was not about these people, but about how she bounced back after  every negative interaction. Life had become so overwhelming, sometimes she wished it would just become easier, for one day.

Then something happened, that appeared to make it more difficult, but appearances aren't all they seem to be.

Letting go

She felt like she was drowning, completely overwhelmed by everything, She needed a break. It was a cliche, but she really did believe the grass was greener on the other side. Even if it wasn't she needed to find out for herself.

She began searching for the guy who she believed held the answers she was searching for. Maybe he held that piece of her heart that kept her from fully loving her present love. If he did, didn't she owe it to everyone to find out the truth.

She found him, and he didn't seem to hold much of anything, but distant memories. Some of them were really good, but none of them seemed relevant. When she spoke to him, it was a recap of where she was in life now and remembering where they had been together all those years ago. He had her past, part of her innocence, and the part of her life that was so much less complicated. Because what seemed like the worlds biggest problems in high school, are nothing when put up against the real world.

That is exactly what it was, he wasn't real. She kept him in this nice corner of her life,where he knew just enough to understand,but not too much to make him a fixture in her life.Wait, so he wasn't a fixture in her life, even though they knew each other for over a decade. She realized, he was not, because he came and went as he pleased, showing up long enough just to catch up. She didn't love him, she cared for him, and missed him sometimes, but she didn't love him.

It did not take too long to figure that out, but now what was she going to do. She was still confused about so many other things in life.