No fear.

Okay so I haven't been taking anti anxiety medication regularly. I have also been alone, which is big for me because being alone was a big trigger for my anxiety. There were so many triggers and slowly I have managed to manage them. I even went to the dentist and I was  scared because I hate dentists. It all seems so small but to me it's so big. There is still more I need to accomplish but for now I think I am doing pretty good. Of course it could all go to shit at any minute but that's life. Anything can happen. Good, bad or in between and I am okay with that. Seriously I am okay with that. It is hard though, trying to find myself. I am just starting. I always feel like I am disappointing people, but they don't have to live my life I do, so  I can't let it stop me. I know it seems like I share so much here, but if you only knew. 

You are not me and I am not you. Your life experiences and the choices you made, they worked for you, but not for me. I didn't fail, I tried. 

There was a point about a year ago, even a few months ago where I was afraid of so many things. Everyday I am afraid of less and less. I can't be afraid. 

I am not afraid. I am ready. 

Challenge: No Pills!

So I am trying to make it through a day without taking anti-anxiety medication. I have done it before, but in the last several months I have become more dependent on it. I have gotten in the habit of taking one at the first sign of anxiety. Instead I need to learn how to cope and move past the anxiety. 

I think this is the hardest part. For the most part I have made modest changes, such as giving up caffeine, in order to hopefully have less anxiety. I can count the number of Dr. Pepper I have had in the past six months on one hand. If you know me that is an accomplishment because I was practically addicted. So caffeine makes my heart race which mimics an attack, so it's gone. 

Now I have to learn how to get through the day without taking a pill. Right now I have the urge to take a pill. Quick fix. Except when it isn't and I don't calm down immediately. Then what? It is almost 7pm, the day is almost over. 

Friday I managed to get through. Yesterday I was in a car out and about so I took a pill. One goal at a time. 

I hope it gets easier. I am willing to put the work in and push myself. This is about my life and my happiness. I won't give up. I can't. I refuse to be trapped. There is a whole world out there for me to explore. 

Back Again

So I am back in Dallas. Getting here was incredibly difficult. Metaphorically and literally. There was a time when I lived to sit in a car and just drive. Then came the time where being in a car scared the shit out of me. Now I am somewhere in the middle. Somedays I can do it, other days I freak out. Anxiety is a sneaky little bitch. So imagine me sitting in a Uhaul traveling across the state . Now if we lived in Rhode Island or Conn., that would be one thing, but we live in freakin Texas. So of course traveling from the border of Mexico to the border of Oklahoma then to the metroplex is a long drive. 20 min into the drive I had to stop for a good 30min and calm myself down. In that moment I just to turn around and go home. After that we got back on the road and after that there was no turning back just lots of stopping so I could regain my composure. A 10hr drive took over 15 hr split over 2 days. Like I said its a bitch. I can't tell you how but I made it. I have had a few moments of frustration over my anxiety. I really try to try. I have so many fears now that I didn't have a few years ago. It's gonna take patience on my part but,  I am will get my life back and not live in fear.  I need to do a couple thing. . . 1) Find a support group or resources that will help with my anxiety. 2) Make new friends in the area. I think the latter will be the most difficult.

Okay so it's not an exciting entry, but who cares its my story. Check back soon.