So you know now that I have always had this urge to move away from my hometown. Although I am still here I haven't been convinced that this is where I ultimately want to settle down. I don't even know when it started, but I never felt like I belonged. I thought this place was supposed to be a starting point, not the whole journey. Okay so I am only 24 going on 25, but it feels like forever.
At this moment in time I am glad to be here, I get to enjoy spending time with my family and my beautiful niece. I feel blessed because I get to watch her change on a daily basis and I know sometime next year her and my sister will move away and it makes me sad and grateful at the same time. Sad thinking about the future but grateful that we have this time together.
When I was younger though being here didn't feel like home. I rarely ever felt at home anywhere. I love my parents, but sometimes I would walk into a friends house and think, this feels like a home. When I was 15 we moved and then we just kept on moving around from house to house. In the past 10 years I have lived in 11 different homes or apartments.
No wonder I never felt at home anywhere. Part of me feels like as soon as I get comfortable I am just going to move again. The only real home I knew isn't my home anymore, the place where I spent ages 5 to 15. Even where I am now, I know it is only a matter of time till I move again, probably within the next four months. I joke that I am a pro at moving now, but man I really hate moving.
Growing up I never felt at ease anywhere, even now there are moments when I don't feel at ease. I have good parents who had good intentions, but too often I felt like I was walking on eggshells in my own home. Constantly waiting for my dad to yell at me for doing something. I grew up thinking I could never do anything well enough. I was a good kid, but I had the sense he was just waiting for me to screw up. Once you get accused of something so many times eventually you ease into the role. I was tired of being accused of being a screw up so I just became a screw up...it only took 20 years.
I never felt at home at home so I spent years waiting to get out of here. Why am I still here?
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