Backwards, then Forward.

So I am 25. I waited and dreaded this day since the day after I turned 24, not for the obvious reasons. I don't hate getting older, I just don't like my birthday. Last year, I had a crazy, ridiculous, unforgettable birthday. So I dreaded this one, afraid it might turn out the same or worse.

This year  has been weird. Nothing horrible notable as in years past where bad things occurred, such as accidents, lifelong friendship wrecking arguments, or apartment fires, it was just a drag. It felt like there was no forward movement, just circling the same spot hoping for different results. I don't know what the next move is, but I am going to reflect on my 24th year.

I struggled with my anxiety, and it sucked so fucking bad. I am still struggling, but damn it would be such a lie if I said this year sucked. It did suck at times, but it was so awesome. I got married this year, to my best friend.  My niece was born and everyday I get to watch her change and grow. My sister got married. Our whole family dynamic changed. I hate not having a steady income and I hate living with my parents and kind of hate living in the Valley, but I don't know if I would trade any of it for missing out any of this year.

Some days I hated being here more than anything, I hated my anxiety, myself, everything. So why is it I don't regret it. Changes need to be made. I can't live here forever and I need some stability for my sanity, but on my 25th birthday spending it with my husband, my sister, and my niece was the best thing I could have asked for. For better or for worse this is my home, my family is my home.

Sometimes life sucks, bad things happen, jobs are lost, people get sick, and all you want to do is give up. Then you realize there are enough amazing, wonderful moments that make you realize why you can't give up.

I am going to keep trying. Life is far from perfect and I don't want perfect. I am going to try and hope things get better. I am going to learn to enjoy those amazing moments as they happen and not in retrospect.