Right Now

So right now I can't sleep. If I am lucky I will manage to be in bed around 2am. On the nights I am not so luck I am awake until about 5 or 6 in the morning. I wish things were better. I am not miserable or depressed even. I know what that feels like and I never want to go back there. I just wish I were happier. I would do anything to be happier. In this moment I feel like a huge disappointment and in other moments I feel like an utter failure. Unable to accomplish all that I set out to accomplish. I want more out of my life and I am willing to put more in so that I can get more out. Sometimes I wonder if God is listening to my prayers. The prayers for peace in my heart and purpose in my soul. I think I know what I am supposed to be doing, but then I get discouraged and uncertainty fills me.

After one really bad day, I had these horrible thoughts, and felt purposeless and empty. I felt like I had no reason to get out of bed in the morning. These anxiety attacks have a way of paralyzing me from the inside out and I hate it. I want control of my life back and I am desperate to find a way to achieve that.

Anyway during that particular night I had the most wonderful dream. One of my biggest wishes and fears is becoming a mom someday. I want more than anything to become a mother, but my anxiety makes it difficult to think it is a possibility.

So in this dream there was a young boy, not an infant, but a young boy about 2 years old and I went to pick him up to bring him home.I was his mom.  The one thing I want more than anything is to adopt a child who is in foster care. In my heart I believe there is a child, and although I did not bring him into this world I am meant to be his mother. I know it sounds crazy, but that is one of the few things in my life I am completely certain of, without a doubt.

When I woke up from that dream I felt this relief, happiness, and anticipation. One day once the rest of my life is figured out I will make that dream a reality. I will work hard to make the rest of it work, so I can to that moment.

So late at night in spite of the anxiety, bouts of occasional sadness, and general uncertainty I know I have a reason and a place in this world.

Right now I am thinking about someday.